•• Wannabe "drink-in-one-hand" stand-up "comedians" -- Try your stale material here!
Step right up to this small, dark, five foot long stage with your drink in one hand and hastily jotted jokes in the other and see if you could keep us in our seats.
Well what are you waiting for??
- 01-17-2011, 09:29 PM #2
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: Can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what!?!
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.
The woman digs into her bag, pulls out a purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I betcha the lying moron told you I was speeding too!
- 01-18-2011, 09:07 PM #5
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Wife: ‘Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
(with regards to Red Skelton) My wife and I have a great system for ensuring a great marriage. Once a week we go out for a nice dinner, have a nice quiet evening with good food and good companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
My wife asked me to take her somewhere she hadn't been for a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
I take my wife everywhere; somehow she keeps finding her way back home.
I will admit though, the last fight was my fault. She came in the living room and asked, "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust".
Thanks, I"ll be here all week, and don't forget to tip your waitress.
(And in case anyone is concerned, I do have a great marriage; that's why I can kid about it)
- 01-18-2011, 09:14 PM #6
- 02-03-2011, 09:20 AM #7
a woman had been in a coma for years. one day as the nurse was giving her a sponge bath she noticed the comatose patient slightly responded when she was washing her privates. the nurse informed the doctor who immediately called the husband.
"mr jones, we believe that with some oral stimulation your wife could snap out of her coma"
"really? i'll try anything Dr. it's been so long"
so the doctor and nurse left the husband in the room and a few short minutes later the husband comes running out of the room with his pants around his ankles yelling "hurry doctor! i think she's choking!!!"
- 02-16-2011, 02:05 PM #8
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, and both loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his erect member and lifted him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
- 03-04-2011, 10:09 AM #9
So it sunday morning Im sitting in my lawn chair sipping on a cold one, enjoyin the sunshine. My wife is pushing the lawn mower, sweating and tired.
My stuck up, nosy neighbor comes charging over waving her finger. Your a pig, a jerk, making your poor wife work like that while you sit there drinking beer you should be hung.
I slowly pushed down my Ray bans, "Lady I am thats why she's cutting the grass".
- 03-29-2011, 07:19 AM #10
A lady goes to the doctor, they run some test and he comes back in and says "Great news your Pregnant!" the lady go running and screaming out of the room. Another more senior doctor, sees her frantic and crying, stops her calms her down. The older doc walks back to scold the much younger doctor, "you just lied an told a 68yr old woman, with three grown kids with children of there own that she is pregnant", never looking up from his clipboard "It cure those nasty hiccups she had, didnt it?"
- 11-01-2011, 11:59 AM #11
- 03-24-2014, 12:55 AM #12
- 03-24-2014, 05:23 AM #13