I hate:
That Clay Aiken freak. I swear that thing was created by Jim Henson.
People on personal ads who say they enjoy watching movies, listening to music, dining out, staying in, spending time outdoors, going to the beach, drinking coffee, shopping, traveling, snuggling up with someone special, like people with good senses of humor and mellow temperaments, like polite people, value honesty and are looking for someone without a lot of issues. Holy crap! REALLY? YOU'RE SO UNIQUE!!
The way, when people have babies when they're over 50, all these idiots think it's an "amazing miracle."Great job. You're 55 and have a new baby. You'll probably be dead before he's out of high school, and then what will happen to him? This is only a bundle of joy for you, not for the future teenager at your funeral, learning all about misery and abandonment at an age that will greatly shape what kind of person he will become as an adult. Go ahead and have a baby, just because you either missed your chance when you were young or your first batch is grown up and has left home and you have that lonely empty nest feeling.Thinkonly of yourown want to cuddle a cute little baby, but don't worry too much about the fact that it's a human being that will probably end up screwed once you're gone. Fantasize that it will be easier to shape a young mind, now that you're older, wiser and more experienced, ignoring the extreme irony in your total lack of judgment, foresight and self restraint in having a baby when you should be in the final planning stages for retirement rather than planning for the future of a child whose wedding, college graduation, or perhaps even high school graduation you will neversee.Feel a longing? Geta cat. A baby isnot a pet. Oh, but you have life insurance, you say... Wellthat'sgood,becausea monthlycheck is a fine substitution for parents. What an amazing miracle, you selfish imbecile.
Coffee breath. Someone explain this to me. Ground coffee smells really awesome. Brewed coffee smells pretty damn good. Coffee breath smells like rotten zombie carcass. WHY?!?!?
Cat food commercials that go on and on about the healthy grains and vegetables in their products. What? Since when are cats vegetarians. Ever run a cat out of your vegetable garden for eating all your carrots? The only times I've seen cats eating vegetable matter is when they eat grass to ease upset stomach... because it makes them PUKE. Ever see a housecat in the back yard hunting? They seem to go after birds and squirrels rather than zucchinis, don't they. They were created with sharp claws and pronounced fangsforcatchingand holding prey, scissor-likemolars for tearing muscle tissue off bone, and a digestive tract that specializes at processing flesh. Obviously, their forward pointing eyes with motion sensitive night vision was developed for stalking CORN. Until grain farmers find themselves in need of special pesticides designed to curb cat populations in their fields, these cat food companies will be completelyfull of crap. Are there cats on farms? Of course. They're there in search of rodents that feed on grain. Want to know why cat food companies are propagandizing you to believecatswant vegetables? They'reCHEAPER. If they spend four bucks to make a bag of cat food based on meat or fish, for which you pay eight bucks, they make less profit than if they spend a dollar fifty and still charge you eight bucks... OR MORE because they've fooled you into believing it's healthier. Of COURSE they want you to fall for it. They know you love your cat and they know that telling you that a vegetable diet is healthier will tug your heart strings. Vegetarians are particularly easy to hook with this scheme. The problem is that cats are not supposed to eat the same things humans eat. Humansare omnivores. Cats are carnivores. Nevermind that a cat in a wheat field would pay no attention to the wheat at all, but would spend all his time hunting mice, "YOUR CAT LOVES GRAINS! Healthy (inexpensive) grains!"
People who own T-shirts, posters, flags, stickers,etc. with thefaceof Che Guevara on them who have absolutely no clue who he was, what he did, or why he was historically significant, but are pretty sure he had something to do with Rage Against the Machine.... or maybe Pot.
People who realize that it's grammatically incorrect to use "your" to mean "you are" so they start using "you're" to mean "you are".... and to mean "belonging to you."Use proper grammar--or die.
Movies and tv shows where they cast 28 year olds to play high school kids.
People who think that because they are (insert race or national origin) they are inherently a naturally good (insert: lover, musician, comedian, artist, etc.).
People who add me on Facebook, and subsequently get denied because I've only met you once, see you twice a year, or really don't like you. I don't know what makes these people think that adding me again will maybe change my mind, but it doesn't. You either get to be banned now, or suffer theeternaltortureof pending in my friend request box for all eternity. And don't bother sending me a message about why I didn't add you. If you're not added, it's because I don't care that much about you. It definitely is not a hint that maybe we need to have a nice facebook message chat before I add you. Because it's going to get deleted, without even being opened.
People who are terrified of completelyharmlessanimals.
Automatic-stop faucetsin restrooms where the function "don't waste water" far overrides the function "let people wash their hands." I, by far, am not one of these OCD people who washes and washes and washes his hands until they are raw, but I just washed my hands in a restroom and I had to restart the faucet FIVE times to wash my hands. On a side note, OCD is definitelythefunniest disorder ever. Sorry, but turning a light switch on and off fifty timesto makesureit'soffispure comedy.I'm sorry, and I know people with OCD suffer,and if they suffered in a less hilarious way, I would be 100% sympathetic.
Slow, timid mergers. You're on the on-ramp for a highway. Traffic on the highway is moving at 65-70 milesanhour. Obviously the best way to merge into this trafficisto come to a complete stop at the end of the ramp.
People using cell phones who move the phone away from their ears to their mouths to speak. They can hear you, idiots.
The way the media completely forgot that Michael Jackson was a lunatic who molested teenage boys the day he died.
"Your video will start in 30 seconds, right after this ad!" Pff, then I don't want to see it. Screw you. The video itself is probably only 30 seconds long, so you can take your Crest White Strips and shove them up your butt.
PAIN RELIEVING ANTISEPTIC/ANTIBIOTICSPRAY. Diein lake of fire forever.Whoever invents something, than cleverly wants to name it "pain relieving spray" all the while knowing it burns so badly that tears come streaming down your face, needto burn. Can't someone seriously invent a spray, thatactually doesn't burn? That maybe, I don't know, relieves thepain.I can spray lighterfluid, and litemy arm on fire,and it will feel just as good as your "pain relieving spray." Plus, it will make pretty colors.
Waking up before the alarm goes off, but after it's useful to fall backasleep. Knowing that you can accomplish nothing by sleeping for 18 more minutes. It'storturous waking up still feeling tired,but knowing you can't cure that feeling with the remaining 17 minutes, having wasted one thinking about sleeping longer.
People who say "Yeah, I should do (whatever)." This is particularly noticeable for people my age; young, stupid people talking about things that are really good for them; for example, exercising, getting their g.e.d. Getting a job, finishing their work, whatever. We might as well change"should"to "am not going to"and dispense with the bull crap.
Gas stations that close at night.
People who think ordinary actions are "gay," like putting lotion on your hands, or guys using chap-stick. These are usually uneducated, ******ed guys, or teenage girls.
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