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Nexus 5: No Applications Will Update On New Phone (FIXED)
I finally got fed up with the craptastic battery life (i.e. if I could get 2 hours SOT and 10 hours overall before needing a charge, it was a lucky day) and the camera crashing/freezing/missing shots and demanded a replacement from Google. (Too bad it's another Rev_11 unit; weird that after 6+ months, they don't have later versions.)
After unlocking/rooting/TWRPing it - it was already at 4.4.2 - I set up my main account and went to update the default apps and it's not working. It needed approval for 4 apps and I gave it, but it just rapidly burns through all 23 apps it says it needs to update within seconds and then shows them all needing updating again. Tried to do it individually and it'd act like it was downloading for a moment, then say Update again. Did a factory reset and set it up again and the same thing.
RESOLUTION: While writing this post I played a hunch and tried downloading another app and after it installed, I went back and hit Update on the original pile of apps and they all updated. There were a couple of hitches because Play Services needed to be updated ahead of the dependent apps, but those were few and minor. Rather than just scrap the post, I'm leaving this up in case it helps someone in a similar scenario.