OK
-Called AT&T, spoke with customer care. Got nowhere. Said I could only exchange a damaged phone.
-Asked for retention. Told retention my story. They said they'd gladly do a warranty exchange. I said, "Wait, I thought I could only exchange the phone for water damage?" Response was, "Well, that's what you're calling about right? The Active has issues with a defect. You don't want water damage" "Uh, YEAH!" I replied.
-Got transferred to warranty. They asked me if my phone was turning on at all. I rehashed the issue. They said, "Oh, ok. Yeah, you don't want an Active that's not water proof!" Told me I was getting a certified LIKE new phone. I flipped out. I Wanna new phone! I wanna new phone! I wanna new phone!"
-Ok, no, I didn't say that. But the rep told me the certified like new S7 Actives are coming from Samsung and are not returns from consumers. She said they are phones that may have been taken out of the box for testing, inspection, or other reasons. But they are unblemished and not refurbs.
-So I said ok...IF I could ascertain the build date of the phone and verify it was post-defect...roughly.
-She said "Sure!" You can exchange it as much as you want within your warranty. Or, within the first ten days, just let them know I'm not keeping the phone I got and send it right back.
At this point, I agreed. Heck, I may even dunk it to verify. I'm still not thrilled with "Like new" but at least they will liberally interpret water damage...at least in retention and warranty.