?? LOL LOL LOL ltm ltm LOL LOL ltm ltm ltm ltm...

[llamabreath]

Post jokes you can't help but laugh at (no, no pics of me) right here!

Just be sure that the jokes do not breach the forum guidelines. Thanks. :thumbup:

Annnd... begin

The Three Old Men -
Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions (what else would they be talking about? ). The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."

The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I dump like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" his buddies asked.

He replies, "I don't get outta bed until nine!"




?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[llamabreath]

An old woman saved a fairy's life.
To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"



?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[llamabreath]

TOP SIX (the other four were even worse) Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

6. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

5. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

4. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

3. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

2. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk -
" ......AMEN!"



?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[verwon]

Wow! You look great!

 

[Jennifer Stough]

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho cheese!

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!

Ba da Bing!


It's all I got

 

[llamabreath]

?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[llamabreath]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?!

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately radios his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. My officer said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!



?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[llamabreath]

What did the duck end up in jail for?



Selling quack.


?? I think signatures are jejune.

 

[Farish]

So an elderly couple decided to go the Jerusalem and visit the Holy Land.

While out there, tragically the wife died.

Her husband visited a mortician about possible arrangements.

The mortician tells him he has two choices.

For 500 dollars he can have her buried out there and she will be in the Holy Land.

Or for 1500 dollars he can have her shipped out to the United States and then would have to make funeral arrangements.

The husband immediately tells the mortician he wants his wife shipped out as fast as possible.

The mortician asks

"Why your wife can be buried in the Holy Land on blessed and sacred ground?"

The husband replies

"The only other person I know who was buried out here came back 3 days later and I can't take that chance."

 

[llamabreath]

lol lol lol, thank you!

?? I think signatures are jejune.