Thanks to ungibbed and EndlessDissent for thoughtful answers without resorting to snippy little comments about "doing research" and underlying biases. Your comments are in line with what I was looking for. LegalAmerican has been making it clear that he's one of the "them": the users who get an attitude when someone doesn't love everything about their Android phone, thinks everyone has a hidden pro-Apple agenda, and groups all iPhone users into a single entity that all shout the same thing at the same time. I'm glad there are other contributors here who have less of a chip on their shoulder.
As for an update on my phone (if anyone still cares), I called up Samsung yesterday who, after describing to them the issues and running me through a series of "restart your phone"-style "solutions" for people who have no idea how to use a device, assured me there was nothing wrong with the device. The reps answer was that it must be an app that is causing the problems, and I need to factory reset. After 2 weeks, and having downloaded nothing on this phone that I didn't have on my iPhone 4, which I had to factory restore only once, at over a year into owning it because of I was using a developer beta version of the iOS release. I didn't restore, and instead went to Best Buy to see if they would be willing to play around with it and see if there was something wrong with the hardware, and hopefully replace it if there was. They claimed it was due to the quality of AT&T's data network, which is apparently poor in my area. I think that's a load of garbage. Whatever the case may be, my phone is still inconsistent in it's speed; just before I was scrolling through my Gallery pics, ones I took with the camera, and it was very lagged, frequently thinking I double-tapped on a pic and zooming in. I tried playing this Jaws Revenge game, and it worked good for a little bit, then the framerate dropped severely and never restored itself. These were just examples on the way home from the store. My point is, if this IS how the phone is supposed to run, I'm a bit disappointed. I tried to ignore fanboy ravings about the phone and go in with reasonable expectations, but when I can't even scroll my pictures without feeling like I'm bogging down the CPU, it's a bit discouraging. I'll have to consider if I want to keep it, but what I would get in it's place, I don't know. I have learned to really enjoy the feel of the Android OS, and going back to iOS would even feel a little like backtracking at this point.