Ok. Got somewhere, maybe? Another person from Samsung called me back, apologized for all the confusion and seemed to at least make sense with the explanation. She sold the holdup is with the Smart Switch program, that they still need T-mobile and AT&T to sign off on it despite it being an unlocked phone, and that they're expecting that to be done within the next two weeks. As soon as that's done the update is ready to roll.
True? Who knows, but it at least makes more sense than the other runaround answers I've gotten so far.
True? Who knows, but it at least makes more sense than the other runaround answers I've gotten so far.