Finally found a winner!
This one by IllumiShield works great! It's crystal clear. The cutouts are a little close, but everything still fits. It gets a few knocks because it doesn't come with stickers for removing dust (not a huge deal, I just use blue painter's tape) and it's oddly a little long, leaving the very top edge possibly not fully adhered? Till have to see how that holds up, but easy enough to trim that down if it becomes an issue.
It is barely, barely wider than the screen. Maybe 1-2 mm on each side, so lining it up is a little tough, but the same can be said of most case-friendly protectors.
Overall, very happy with this one, and as you guys can tell I'm pretty picky. Plus it's dry-application, so no powering off the phone, no waiting 24 hours to test it. It won't stop a bullet but it'll keep things from scratching the screen and that's all I'm really worried about.
Yay!