I will be a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I will be known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I will translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I will write award-winning operas, I will manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I will tread water for three days in a row.
I will woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I will be able to pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I will cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I will be an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I will single-handedly defend a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I will play bluegrass cello, I will be scouted by the Mets, I will be the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I will build large suspension bridges in my yard. I will enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I will repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I will be an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide will swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I won't perspire. I will be a private citizen, yet I will receive fan mail. I will be caller number nine and will win the weekend passes. Next summer I will tour New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I will bat .400. My deft floral arrangements will earn me fame in international botany circles. Children will trust me.
I will be able to hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I will read Paradise Lost, War and Peace, and David Copperfield in one day and still have time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I will know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I will perform several covert operations for the CIA. I will sleep once a week; when I will sleep, I will sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I will successfully negotiate with a group of terrorists who will have seized a small bakery. The laws of physics will not apply to me.
I will balance, I will weave, I will dodge, I will frolic, and my bills will all be paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I will participate in full-contact origami. I will discover the meaning of life but forget to write it down. I will make extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I will breed prizewinning clams. I will win bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I will play Hamlet, I will perform open-heart surgery, and I will speak with Elvis.
If I win the Droid Incredible, that is.
(
shamelessly stolen from Hugh Gallager's college essay)