Made by HTC, looks like a Vibrant/Fascinate or an iPhone 1
Verizon but with true 4G speeds
GSM riding shotgun for use abroad
Dual core
3.7" - 4" screen
32gb internal + expansion slot
Stock Android
Maker/carrier apps & widgets optional
Voice driven everything, but text/button options available
Visual voicemail built in, not extra cost
Front camera of un-crappy quality
Native video calling utility
5mp rear camera w/ 3x optical zoom
Lens cover
Good in low light
No shutter lag
Dual LED flash
Wi-fi calling
1080p recording/playback
HDMI out
Usb out
Stereo audio
FM radio that doesn't need earphones as antenna
Hardware camera button
Hardware silent mode button
Hardware programmable button
Haptic front buttons
Email indicator blinker
A high quality screen you can still see well in bright sunlight
Enough battery & efficient power use to not worry about it
Indestructible glass
Partly aluminum
Just enough heft to not feel cheap/fragile/toylike
Built in breathalizer
Remote detonate poison gas cloud (suck it, thieves!)
Magical hardware keyboard that evaporates when not needed
female genitalia
With:
250 min/month w/ rollover + unlimited data for <$50
Some kind of desktop interface for backup/sync management a la Palm Desktop
Cradle available
Plugs into various stereo units/clock radios
Okay wait we're dreaming here. I don't want a handset at all. I want the main unit to be a a subdermal implant that is wirelessly/bioelectrochemically connected to cochlear implants and either retinal implants or a HUD integrated with my glasses, converts brainwaves to text, and controls a tiny but fearsome uvula-mounted laser. Also my useless man nipples would be replaced with tiny robotic t-rex hands that could rend flesh, help out around the kitchen, or play a miniature banjo without me having to think about it. Also I want to be able to converse with dolphins.