Push some big league chew in there and let it settle and harden. Then, grab an old shoe (preferably one from the late '50s - early '60s with the heel broken off ¾ of the way up to the sole) and place the newly big league chewed phone inside the shoe, facing down diagonal left. Place the shoe in a metal handle bucket filled with dried romaine lettuce and place the bucket in the oven at 350° for 37 minutes. Be sure to set your timer. When the timer goes off, it's done. Reach in with your bare hands while it's hot and grab the bucket by the metal handle. Burn your hands for 13 seconds and then drop the bucket. Look at your freshly burnt hands while you contemplate how stupid all of this was. Repeat as necessary.